Stop Arguing. Stay calm in intense discussions

Staying calm in discussions can be learned and is not a personal trait.

It's about a mindset shift in two steps. First, it is not trying to win an argument. Forget to make or even bring your point.

When people try to make their point, it is always about ego. Trying to prove one's perspective is like we are screaming: "BUT I'M RIGHT!" People sense that.

I know this trap at its best. My ego destroyed so many opportunities. There was a time when I won all arguments. I was so proud, but I forgot the price for this.

We want to prove a point. Be right. Win. But you lose everything:

Dale Carnegie explained it the best. Our path to staying calm becomes obvious:
Don't try to win arguments. Try to win people.

This is the second part of the mindset shift. Make it about the people.

I will show how to make this mindset shift in three easy tactics, and you will get more than just staying calm.

You will be respected and liked by people. Become a thought leader, executer, and authority.

Understand Why You’re Arguing (It’s Not About Logic)

What is an argument about? It is a strong opinion where we are convinced that we know what is right. Because it is right, we think we are problem-solving.

But are we really solving a problem, or do we protect our identity?

It is the identity of having thought through things, being smart, and being strategic. Let that sink in and remind yourself of arguments in private or business.

The harsh truth is simple: It's Ego. Period.

Your spouse argues. You have a counterargument. But what if you don’t mention the counterargument? What else to do?

Let's see, but before moving on, the key shift is:

Let go of being right. Focus on moving forward.

Always Agree First — Even If Just With the Emotion

You get an argument. Great! Agree - always. This hurts only when your ego is active. I learned this move from a very respected and everybody's darling top manager.

Everyone loved this guy and he got all his topics through, even when people disagreed with his goal. The reason: he always agrees with their position and shows empathy with them.

The key is:

Agree in different ways. It is about comforting people and letting them bring their point so that you can understand them better.

Say things like:
✅ “That makes sense.”
✅ “I get why you’d think that.”
✅ “Good point, I hadn’t considered that angle.”

Imagine saying such things. People stop defending themselves because they feel understood. Even your spouse or your peers.

Now they can listen.

When they listen, they are open to your move, and this is not your argument.

Ask Questions That Lead (Not Statements That Clash)

Questions are the magic move to lead any kind of conversation. Questions invite people to think.

At this stage, avoid judgmental statements that would put down their view because it forces them to defend. It's like with kids. Kids are great in starting arguments.

Spot the gap between your positions and theirs.

Ask questions, trying to close the gap, and hearing the suggestion of the other side on how you can reach your position. Keep in mind: don't mention that it is your position.

How to avoid it? Speak in assumptions.

Speak in Assumptions — Not Ownership

Now, it's all about communication. Start assumptions with formulations like: "What if...", or "What would be needed for..."

Here are a few examples of what not to say and what to say:

• ❌ “From my perspective, that won’t work.”
  ✅ “What would it take for this to work under [X constraint]?”
• ❌ “That’s wrong.”
  ✅ “Let’s say we wanted to achieve X — how would we approach it?”
• ❌ “We should do it my way.”
  ✅ “What needs to be true for us to try this path?”

Why this works? You guide their thinking without triggering resistance. You are fully with them instead of trying to convince them.

I can't highlight this approach enough because you don't use any word pointing to you. The implicit perspective is "we". Here are some more examples:

• “Let’s assume the goal is X…”
• “If someone wanted to do Y, what would be the risks?”
• “One option could be…”

The bottom line is: People feel invited into the solution, not forced to agree with you. This is pure de-escalation, and you are leading the conversation.

You’ll Be Seen as Calm, Fair — and in Control

Leading the conversation in such a way means you are in control. No trigger on the ego because you are on a controlled mission: Don't argue, always agree, raise questions, and then moderate to the goal.

You stop reacting.
You ask better questions.
You lead without power plays.

The result? Remind yourself of this one person you always admired because they are so calm and focused. You become this person:

• People respect your thinking.
• You become the executer — not the ego-driven voice in the room.
• You build trust and authority by being strategic, not emotional.

This is exactly what I saw and learned from the top manager. And guess what? I'm becoming this guy: 0% ego driven, 100% Leader, Executer, Authority.

Summary:

Trying to win arguments is always ego-driven, which has a high price: You lose people. You don’t need to be the loudest or the smartest.
Switch to agreeing on people's perspective and make others feel respected in the process. They open up for your questions, and you are in the lead.
That’s what next-level communicators do. And that’s how leaders are perceived, even before they have the title.