We Are Not Born with Confidence: How to Learn It

Confident people aren't born with it. They build their confidence over time. Some do it as children, some in their youth, or as adults.

It all seems natural: Speaking up. Leading. Owning the room.

You watch and think: “I wish I had that.”

I remember a colleagues, let's call him John. He was holding a PhD in mathematics, a nice guy, sympathetic. The next-door-guy or son-in-law type.

He was working as a software architect. Gosh, he is so smart and super confident when talking about software. His voice was firm, his gaze focused, his posture strong.

He wasn't married, but he really liked to have a family. I didn't know why we wasn't married until we were out of the office. This strong and confident person became the most unconfident person in front of women. A wimp.

Don't get me wrong: In the office, he had no problem talking professionally to women. But in private life, it was a disaster.

The truth is: no one is born confident. Confidence is a learned skill.

And today, I’ll show you how to build it — step by step.

1. Definition of Confidence (The Psycho-Cybernetics Truth)

When we are not born with confidence, the question is what is it? Maxwell Waltz, M.D., puts it nicely in his book Psycho-Cybernetics:

“[...] direct yourself toward the small things you are good at [...] concentrate on becoming proficient at these simple and immediate skills. This will bring you confidence and become a base from which you can expand to other pursuits.”

Confidence is built when you experience success. It's like with John: His confidence was built on his degree. He was good at what he was doing.

Success builds confidence.

But with women? John had never had a successful experience. This led to a negative self-image and then negative self-talk.

Confidence comes from proof, not dreams. We need to reassure our small successes again, again, again, and build bigger ones.

Let's dive into how to do it.

2. Create Small Wins (Build Evidence Fast)

We live in times where we have social media. People expose everything. We see all these happy and successful lives. It is a loud and fake world, also in the Career.

We all know these LinkedIn posts of "I'm thrilled to announce..."

We all want to have these big wins, the be on stage, to be seen as super-smart, to shine, to be important, or to have power.

All of this looks super confident. Confindencewise, stop chasing giant leaps. There are no overnight successes. All these things have been built step by step.

Confidence is built with small steps. Hence, start small.

Here are three examples on how to start:

You want to be seen as an expert?

Start by learning a tool or technology. This can be Excel, an Excel formula, an AI prompt, or a design hack. Learn a bit, discuss with peers, experts, and reassure.

You gain confidence in your learnings. That paves the way for becoming an expert.

You want to be more confident in meetings?

Start by preparing 1-3 basic questions for the meeting. For the next meeting, go further and prepare challenging questions.

Then again, go further and take over some task and present it the next time. Then, after a while, suggest moderating the meeting. Ideally, when the moderator is on vacation.

This is how we all started. I moderate big meetings with Top-Managers, VPs, SVP, CxO and people admire my confidence. 10 years ago, I would have feared attending.

You want to become a leader?

Start by helping somebody with a tiny problem. Ask questions and try to understand the problem. Be empathetic with the person. Train in small steps what you expect from leadership.

Why it works:

Dive in and become better every day. Every small win is proof that grows your confidence muscle.

One proven way to reinforce our confidence is to picture our past wins, times we succeeded, even in small ways.

3. Rewire Your Self-Talk (Coach > Critic)

When building confidence, your biggest enemy is YOU. The negative self-talk. We all know this voice: “I’m terrible at this.” Be aware of this. Change it.

Confidence grows when your inner voice supports you.

A trick is to name your inner critic (“Negative Marie,” “Doubtful Dave”) and shut them down with facts after every win.

Say to yourself: "Oh, shut up, Marie, I’m improving every time I try.”

Build an inner confident voice.

After each attempt, ask: “What did I learn? What’s my next micro-step?” Don’t aim for perfection. You will become aware of your progress.

Your self-image grows stronger every time you achieve something (even a small).

Psychocybernetics Reminder:

Your self-image can only grow if your internal dialogue aligns with the small wins you're creating.

4. Borrow Confidence from Others (Model What Works)

One trick I love a lot is learning by mirroring the confidence you admire. Make a list of things you would like to accomplish and add people who have reached it.

Now watch those confident people how they do it. Mirror it.

Tactics:

• Watch how confident people speak, stand, and move.
• Mentally ask: “How would [confident person] handle this moment?”
• Practice their behaviors in low-risk settings (small meetings, emails, presentations).

Why it works:
When you borrow confidence, you begin to own it.

5. The Big Picture: Confidence Fuels Success (Happy Life)

Nobody is telling you one secret: Confidence isn’t the end goal — it’s the foundation. It is the foundation of a happy life. Big words, I know.

The logic is:

Build small successes → become good at what you do → become confident → build bigger successes → become the best at what you do → become a mastermind → get fulfilment.

Each small win compounds. Step by step, your confidence becomes the platform for bigger challenges and your Life’s Task.

All my clients seek to find their Life's Task. It is not this "Follow-Your-Passion-Lie". It starts with building confidence with things where you are good at.

The Life Task is where we are the best at something.

Psychocybernetics Reminder:

“Proceeding in this way, step by step, you will hit upon your Life's Task.”

Confidence is not a destination. It’s your engine for success and happiness — one small, smart step at a time.

All these tips would have also worked for John. Don't shoot big and start with your crush. Talk first to your neighbour, the cashier in the supermarket, the waitress.

Build confidence to talk to your crush in small steps.

Summary:

Nobody is born with confidence. We need to build it in small steps and actions. These steps compound over time, and it looks like an overnight success. You don’t have to wait to “feel” confident. The logic is compelling: Small wins → stronger self-image → bigger life.

Sources
[1] Psycho-Cybernetics, Maxwell Maltz, M.D.